Makes no sense, does it? Why would something that I have been dreaming about my whole life – the one thing I struggle with day to day, be the thing that terrifies the bejeezus out of me?
I want to be slim. I have been a member of Slimming World for 6 years and spent all that money on class fees every week to be slim. I have joined several gyms, bought workout clothes, taken measurements, weighed food, counted calories, learned to cook, spent time meal planning, purchased wisely at the supermarket – with the aim of becoming slim. But yet I’m not.
I once said to a group of friends that if my problems were at the level of diet and exercise, I’d have cracked this years ago. I’m a smart woman. I know that I need to take in less calories when eating and also burn them through exercise. I know intellectually how to get slim – but knowing how and actually doing it are two different things aren’t they? It’s like telling an alcoholic “Just don’t drink – simple!” But it is rarely simple. That battle in your head when your consciousness and ego are giving you opposing directives. One wants what you want – your highest good – your best self. The other – the ego wants to be safe. It wants to survive. It is scared – if you get what you actually want, you won’t have listened to it. You won’t have need for it.
One way to help unite these voices is through meditation. This is how I access my highest self – the wise woman within me that really knows what to do and the best course of action to take. It has to be a daily practise though, or I have found that I go off course. If I have a few days where I don’t meditate, old un-serving habits tend to creep back in. I don’t make the best decisions. Even though I know that the choice I’m about to make doesn’t take me closer to my goal, I make the choice anyway but this tends not to happen on the days that I meditate.
So why am I so scared about being slim? Well I guess it is the unknown. I know how to be how I am right now. I know how people relate to me, I know who my friends are, I know my style in fashion and how it feels to be in my curvy soft body. I don’t know how it feels to be in a tight slim body. I don’t know how to react to advances from men – I don’t want advances from men, I have a man I love already and I’m inexperienced in how to let people down politely. It is the unknown. I am confident and happy in the here and now, with who I am as a person, but I believe it is time to shed these extra layers as I don’t need them anymore. Food doesn’t have to be my friend anymore, I have real life friends now. Food doesn’t have to be the one thing in my childhood that I can control anymore – I am fully in control of my life as it is now, I call the shots, I make the decisions. I don’t need food as a comforter anymore.
So I’m going to be brave. I’m being the cheerleader to myself that I would be to any friend of mine who was sitting in front of me saying what I’m saying right now. I’d tell her: You’ve got this. You can handle this. You are a smart woman who can figure it all out. I have faith in you.
Wish me luck guys.